You know when you go to the optician, and they do that thing?

You know??

You peer through a contraption, that makes you look like The Terminator…

…at a circle of meaningless dots and they say: ‘This one?’ Then they swap the lenses and add: ‘Or this one?’

‘This one?’ With a sing song tone. ‘Or… THIS one?’

‘This one?’ Trying to vary the tune now. ‘Or this one?’ Sounding a bit like Jeremy Clarkson.

‘This one? … Or…. This one…?’

You’re sitting there, trying not to inhale the optician’s halitosis and thinking: ‘Bloody hell, mate, they look exactly the same, only blurry and meaningless in a slightly different way!’

‘This one? … Or…. This one…?’

By this point you’re wondering whether to choose one for the sake of it.

‘This one? … Or…. This one?’

Anything to make it stop.

‘This one? … Or…. This one…?’

….

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you…

…The Tory leadership contest.